The “Honest” Ways to Get Money: Reality and The Money Challenge

A client of mine going thru a divorce came to me for financial coaching and we determined she would receive enough alimony and child support to last her between eight to twelve years depending on how much she would curtail her current lifestyle.  Both of her parents are deceased, she received no inheritance, has no siblings, and  has one 14 year old son  (which means only 4 years of child support.)

 We talked about her next chapter in life and what it would look like.  I tried to encourage  her to embrace the concept of new possibilities rather than remain stuck in the place of anger and fear.   She had not worked at all during her marriage so she had very little confidence in regards to getting hired for a job.  When we spoke honestly about what options were available, I offered  three choices:  get a job, look for your next husband to support you, or play the lottery.  While some may find this blunt and shocking, it was the truth and what she needed to hear.  After all… there are no other options for her to support herself, and the only certainty she currently has is that her financial resources will end one day.

  I suggested she start exploring career paths and begin training in a field that would suit her personality and reinforce some work skills she may be unaware she possesses.    There are many skills developed when raising children, running a household, and volunteering for a school, non profit, or community.   I encouraged her to keep moving forward. Her reply was simply  “ I didn’t have to work during my marriage and so I don’t plan to work now, I would rather just get remarried.”  With no judgement in my voice, because I really feel one person can’t judge someone else’s choices, I said “  Well then we know what your focus needs to be.”  She decided to let someone else control her financial future.

When I talk with clients thinking about divorce or already in the process of going thru a divorce,  I like to be very straightforward about the financial challenges they may encounter and ways to manage the situation.   Of course, I am only talking about legal ways to achieve financial security, which typically include the following:

  1. Work and  support your own lifestyle needs
  2. Manage your divorce settlement, ( alimony and child support) to last your lifetime.
  3. Start looking for your next spouse to support your lifestyle.
  4. You are assured of an inheritance which will support you throughout your lifetime.
  5. My favorite fantasy- you plan on winning the lottery.

Let’s explore the pros and cons of these options:

  1. Supporting yourself: This is always my go to, # 1 choice for men and women.It is the most stable, offers security, and you will be the one who controls your destiny. If you are a spouse who has not been in the workplace while married, take time to really explore career options and start taking one step forward every day towards a career path that will make your feel competent, capable, and secure, in addition to enhancing your self esteem, which divorce can often shatter.
  2. Even if you have been married for at least ten years or more to someone with enough liquid assets to support two households, and you do not sign a prenuptial agreement, most often you will not end up with enough through alimony and/or child support to last you for the rest of your life.It may be enough for five, ten, even fifteen years but you want to start thinking of the next step if this is your situation.   It is never fun to know your cash will run out by the time you are seventy.
  3. Looking for the next spouse:If this is your plan, I will say it is a risky one, and one that

may come with a lot of strings and a lot of sacrifices.  Putting your financial future 100% in the control of someone else always brings a risk, and a great deal of insecurity and instability.  This is not only unpredictable but can be unhealthy for your mental well being.

  1. Inheriting money:If you come from an affluent family and are the beneficiary of an            irrevocable trust, or if your family is willing to offer support, and the amount will be enough to sustain your financial needs for a lifetime, then you should consider yourself extremely lucky.  You can have the luxury of not worrying about bill paying and you can focus on your own personal development.
  2. Playing the lottery: This one is my favorite.I don’t know anyone who really would put this        at the top of the list for their financial plan but when I was looking at all the “legal” ways to earn money, I  I needed to include this last option.

The bottom line is there is never a free ride in life when you are totally depending on someone else to support you.  This requires some level of work dealing with another personality, compromising on things which are important to you for fear your support will end, and losing some of your voice and power.  However, if you face your reality realistically and create your own financial independence, the  personal and financial rewards will be not only more beneficial but you will be setting yourself up to feel empowered for this next phase in your life.

Mindful Holidays

If you are like me, I won’t be sad to end 2020 and start 2021.  This year has been bananas!!  Now with the holidays upon us, we have a heightened desire for some sense of normalcy since we have been in such an extended period of restriction.  However, this desire can trigger financial overspending and increase levels of stress.  I like to call this the “Holiday slide”.   It starts with overindulgence around the turkey and ends with overindulgence with an abundance of gifts around the Christmas tree.    Holidays always bring up a variety of emotions for people and for some, they will overspend to compensate for feelings of loneliness or loss.   Once December is over, the bills come in January, leaving people in debt, feeling shameful, and vowing not to make the same mistake the following year.

This year I am hoping the pandemic has shifted our perspectives on what we need and what is really important, I think we have all realized that health should be number one on our list because without our health…. everything else is meaningless.  Additionally, we now have seen how little we really need or had to buy while we were living our “quarantined” lives.  In order to help clients, start the new year feeling empowered rather than shameful I am asking them to give some thought and planning to their holidays.  These are some of the tips I suggest keeping everyone mindful, thoughtful, and on track with their financial goals, which then leads to holiday joy vs holiday regret.

  1. Make a list of your family values.
  2. Make a list of everyone for whom you plan to buy presents.
  3. Spend a few minutes reflecting on why you are buying presents for them and what their role is in your life.
  4. Establish an amount that YOU CAN AFFORD for each present.  Remember, your loved ones don’t want to see you in debt and suffering… that is not a gift.  Also, make sure the gifts you choose reflect your family values.
  5. Find something within your price range that you think will be meaningful and special.  You can think of creative ways to “gift” family members such as cooking a meal, spending time together, giving someone a manicure/pedicure, going for a special outing to someplace new.  Your time is a precious gift and one that will not put a dent in your budget.
  6. Put together a holiday budget for items like decorations, special meals, holiday travel, holiday cards and postage, and family photos.
  7. When you add together your budget for gifts and general holiday expenses make sure this amount is not much more than 1.5% of your annual income.  If so, you may want to make some adjustments.
  8. Keep a gratitude journal – this is helpful anytime of the year but for some it is even more useful during this time when you may be feeling overwhelmed and depressed.

Perhaps instead of expensive holiday cards this year you send ecards or post something on your social media.  Plan ahead and really consider the holiday meal and what you want to cook and then you can look for specials and sales on some of those items.  Use the internet to help you find the best prices on the items you plan to buy.  Now more than ever it is easier to price shop – besides…. we are all safer at home so why not use this to our advantage to also save a little extra.

If you plan on charging everything on a credit card that you won’t be able to pay off in full at the end of the month, this is a red flag that you need to spend less.  If this is your only option, then at least try to find a credit card with no interest or very low interest for a period of time and then make a plan to have it fully paid off by the end of the introductory period, so the $50.00 gift doesn’t end up costing you $80.00 with monthly interest.

Remember the most important person to care for during the holidays is yourself.  If you don’t take care of yourself, you will be less able to take care of others.   If money is tight this year, your loved ones will understand, and you are better off finding something less expensive that still lets them know how special they are in your life.   2020 has been a hard year for so many people and I know people are getting tired of staying at home, are nervous about the future and may say “what the heck, I’m just going to live my life and spend what I want to this year”.  If you feel this could happen to you, try some other tools to stay in control and focused.  Mindful breathing, meditation, and a well thought out plan can really help you stay calm and focused and avoid subsequent bad feelings.

Hopefully using these tips will bring more joy to you and your loved ones during this very challenging year.

If you feel you could use some support and guidance to help you navigate your finances through the holidays, we are here to help.  Just contact admin@summitla.com.

For 27 years Carrie Casden has been providing a customized and personalized experience thru her company, Summit Financial Management. From managing day to day financial needs, to establishing banking relationships and budgets, her office gives individuals the feeling as if they have their own Chief Financial Officer. Read More.

Marriage, Divorce & Finances

Most of us are taught from an early age that there are three subjects you don’t discuss in public: politics, religion and money. Of course, behind closed doors, families talk about politics and their religious beliefs, but many families will simply not discuss money, even with their children. In this article, I’ll provide some background on why different people feel shame when they speak about finances, and I will also offer some solutions that can help make “money talk” conversations about easier for everyone to have.

Families Model Fear or Freedom Over Money

Studies show that our money patterns are often established by the time we are 10 years old. These patterns are often based on the models we see in our family of origin at home where we grow up. For families who aren’t having monthly conversations about money, or worse having zero dialog about finances, the children get off on the wrong foot, financially speaking.

Are Your Children Prepared?

Many of us would like to believe that if parents don’t teach kids about money, then surely the schools will impart the skills our children need, right? Wrong! I am sad to report that most schools still devote an entire year to subjects like calculous and trigonometry, subjects few adults ultimately use. Schools spend very little time teaching about touchy money topics like compounding interest, budgeting, how to balance a checkbook, what it means to have credit, and other basic money management tools – you know, the stuff we deal with for the rest of our lives.

When our kids go to college, they are expected to be independent, and managing their finances is a big part of that. They need to be better prepared! To make matters worse, for kids who grow up in a house where the subject of money is taboo, they often become adults who are afraid to have these conversations with anyone, even their best friends. The combination of ignorance, denial, poor modeling, and lack of practice leads to bad choices, embarrassment and shame.

It’s Time To Talk About Money

As young adults try to figure out how to navigate financial waters, and maybe make some mistakes (as all young people do), the embarrassment and shame increases and they are often compounded by secrecy and denial. We need to change the dialogue, especially with our close friends so that we can help each other grow and learn from these mistakes. We need to be more forgiving and kinder to ourselves and realize we were expected to do something we never learned how to do.

If we are able to talk about sex, dating, body image, religion, and politics with our close friends, why are we still so uncomfortable talking about money and issues around money? We all think about it, worry about it, interact with it and make choices based on it. We know that money is fluid: we have times in our lives when it is abundant and perhaps times when it is sparse but, for better or for worse, money circumstances frequently change.

Help From a Friend

Most of us have that one friend who somehow has the information, even at a young age, so why not pick their brain? If you are the one with the knowledge, why not share it with your friends? As we try to live a more authentic life, we need to have authentic friendships, exempt from judgement, and blame. We need to surround ourselves with people who lift us up when we are down, share their wisdom, are honest about their mistakes, and give us tips that could help our future.

If you are from a family that had trouble with money management and you have a friend who comes from a family that actually taught these life skills, go ahead and tap into that resource! What are friends for? Perhaps a group of friends could share their individual financial literacy, benefitting the entire group.

We need friends to fill in where we lack information and skills. I am the first to admit I am extremely limited when it comes to interior design. I just don’t have a good sense of what goes together, scale of items, and how to finish the look. I always ask a good friend to offer an opinion if they have more knowledge in this area. I am very open about my limits, lack of training in this area, and insecurities about my decisions. I wouldn’t feel ashamed saying, “This is not what I know or am comfortable with.”

Finance, Marriage & Divorce

For those who feel that way about money issues, it’s time to admit you need guidance! If I worried that the friend in question might judge me or make me feel bad… well then, they weren’t really the kind of friend I need at this point in my life.

Now let’s explore what happens to this financial conversation when we get married. For those who never learned these skills when they were single, and even for those who may have had these skills but then decided to abdicate their knowledge once they were married, they need to understand they are placing themselves in a vulnerable position. I never wish for anyone to get a divorce, but 50% of marriages end in divorce. If someone said there was a 50% chance of crashing your car, I bet you would want to fully understand how the seatbelt and safety features work.

If You Need Help, Ask

We need to change the conversations so we can talk more openly to our friends when we have concerns or questions. We don’t need to pry into someone’s bank balance, but by asking general questions, we can gain a better understanding of what is going right and what is going wrong. A true friend will not only know when they have useful information, but they will know when the needs are beyond their reach, meaning it’s time to seek professional financial advice.

No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, and that usually refers to the emotional and financial relationships we have. We all know this to be true, yet we feel horrible when we hit what I like to call a “bad chapter” in our life story. Never is there a more important time to rely on those we hold close. I am not saying that we need to lend money to our friends when they overspend or co-sign on their leases because their credit is bad. Instead we need to “teach them how to fish” rather than just “give them a fish.” It is the education and support that is critical and helpful.

Perhaps if I expressed that I knew nothing about the stock market and investing, my friend might say, “Neither do I. Why don’t we take a class and learn together?” That is how we need to start helping each other become more financially literate. We have to stop beating ourselves up for past choices. I can’t tell you how many times I hear from clients, “I am so embarrassed and ashamed to tell you that I have no idea how much we spend, who we pay for the mortgage or car payments, how much money we have in savings, or how much debt we have. I blindly trusted my partner to take care of everything.” I always say, “Trust but verify and stay informed, even if you do this only once or twice a year.”

Everyone knows the saying “It takes a village to raise a child,” but it also takes a village to help us reach our full human potential and we need to rely on our close friends to help us increase our financial competency.

About the Author

Carrie Hausner Casden is a business manager and certified money & financial coach at Summit Financial Management in Beverly Hills.  She coaches clients across the United States toward financial wellness and to make smart fiscal decisions.  You can reach her at carrie@summitla.com

Podcast: Your Relationship to Money and Divorce with Carrie Casden

There’s often a variety of emotions that come up when talking about or dealing with money. If you don’t work on the feelings now, it’s going to be much harder to stay on a budget during divorce.

Carrie helps us understand what it means to unpack our money stories. She helps us get to the heart of money issues and empowers us to make financial decisions for our future.

Podcast: Money & Post Divorce Finance Tips with Carrie Hausner Casden

Laura and Johnnie are joined by top business manager and certified money and financial coach Carrie Hausner Casden (Summit Financial Management). In the discussion, Carrie shares advice and insider tips on how to maximize pre and post divorce finances before and after the dissolution of a marriage is completed. Carrie, who went to Beverly Hills High School with our hosts, also quizzes Laura and Johnnie about their “Money Personalities,” which reveals some surprising results you won’t want to miss.

Click here to listen to the podcast.

Can Money Make or Break Your Marriage?

In the event of a divorce, stress can come at you from all angles. There’s the emotional turmoil, of course , but there’s also the financial fallout which can cause just as much anguish, if not more.

Whether you are anticipating divorce or have just finished going through it, it’s commonly agreed upon that all stages of divorce pose highly charged emotional challenges. But even once you’re “done” with divorce,

dealing with the residual financial pitfalls of the separation can typically bring about a whole new set of overwhelming emotional issues.

Unpacking your financial baggage

We all come to adulthood with unique beliefs about money. We bring them into marriage, and then try to blend them with our partner’s financial background, which might be entirely different from ours. Disagreements over finances can lead to divorce. Surprisingly, in the majority of cases where money issues are identified as the significant conflict in the marriage, the issue isn’t a lack of money. Rather, the root problem is that the two individuals have differences in opinion about the meaning of money, and how they want to use it.

Understanding your personal relationship with money is beneficial to everyone else involved in your divorce as you navigate a time of such substantial change. Without this knowledge of yourself, you’re more likely to continue making decisions about money that might not be in your best interest.

We all carry money messages from childhood into adulthood

Money messages are formed in childhood and are then carried with us through adulthood. We typically receive money messages from both parents, which in some cases might contradict one another and lead to future confusion about the role money should play in our lives once we’re adults. Quite often, we go through life unconscious of the messages we received as children and how these affect our actions and patterns as adults. During my training to become a certified money coach, I learned that individuals tend to fall into one of eight main money archetypes, which I call your “money personality.” When couples fall in love and decide to marry, differences in money personalities are rarely explored until it’s too late.

Overspending can be a symptom of deeper issues

One of my clients, let’s call him Jon, was considered an incorrigible “overspender” by his advisors. Every money manager he worked with would give him a monthly budget stipulating exactly how much he should spend. He would agree to follow the plan, but just like someone on an ill-fated diet, he could only keep it up temporarily before falling off the wagon and blowing through the budget. Naturally, this pattern was a huge source of conflict in his marriage. It wasn’t until he really got in touch with the emotions behind his spending that Jon was able to start making some successful changes.

Another client, let’s call her Elizabeth, went shopping every day. From the outside, her friends assumed that she had plenty of money, a ton of free time, and that shopping was what gave her pleasure in life. After money coaching though, we realized these assumptions couldn’t have been farther from the truth. The reality was Elizabeth had been constantly criticized and judged as a young child by her parents about her appearance, and she was raised to believe her worth came from what she looked like. She had been overspending in a futile attempt to fill this emotional hole. This coping mechanism ended up making Elizabeth feel even worse. Shortly after making these lavish purchases, she would be overcome by guilt and remorse. Together she and I worked through dismantling those old money messages, and got to a place where she knew that, once she finished her divorce, she would have to live on a new and reduced budget. We put together a list of her values, and then she agreed to only spend money on the things that aligned with that list. Once she realized she was in charge of her own joy, it was easier for her to not attach her sense of self worth and happiness to a new outfit, car, or piece of jewelry.

Money coaching means getting emotional

Money coaching is different from pure financial planning. It’s unproductive to compose financial programs for an individual if it’s just about the numbers, or the “quantitative” aspect of money. Effective money coaching comes from a judgement-free place of honesty to help clients get in touch with the reason they spend and the emotions tied to their spending. That’s what we call the “qualitative” aspect of our money history. It’s only when my clients succeed in understanding this component of their relationship to money that they are able to modify problematic money habits and move forward.

Some people like to divide the population into two categories: spenders and savers. However, the reality is that things are rarely ever that black and white, especially when it comes to money. We need to understand the ways in which these categories blend together, which is done by taking some small action steps. For example, by taking a “money personality quiz,” we can determine which archetype someone is most closely aligned with. Once we identify that, we are able to make conscious and concrete actions to modify behavior. This allows people to become more mindful of their financial decisions and it puts them in the driver’s seat for their future, rather than remaining a passive passenger.

In my work with a wide variety of clients, I have found that before you can move forward, you need to look back and understand how you got to this point. Money represents so many things beyond numbers in a bank account. Most importantly, money represents emotions. We can all spend it differently in whatever ways we choose, just as long as those means create peace and joy in our lives.

Carrie Hausner Casden is a business manager and certified money & financial coach at Summit Financial Management in Beverly Hills.  She coaches clients across the United States toward financial wellness and to make smart fiscal decisions.  You can reach her at carrie@summitla.com

Managing Your Post-Divorce Finances

A client of mine going through a divorce came to me for financial coaching and we determined she would receive enough alimony and child support to last her between eight to twelve years depending on how much she would curtail her current lifestyle.  Both of her parents are deceased, she received no inheritance, has no siblings, and she and her soon-to-be-ex have one 14-year-old son (which means my client will only receive child support for the next 4 years.)

We talked about her next chapter in life and what it would look like.  I tried to encourage her to embrace the concept of new possibilities rather than remain stuck in the place of anger and fear.   While we all know being a wife and mother is a full-time career, my client had not worked at a job outside of the house during her marriage so she had very little confidence in regards to getting hired anywhere.

When we spoke honestly about what options were available, I offered three choices:  

  1. Get a job,
  2. Look for your next husband to support you
  3. Play the lottery.

While some may find this blunt and shocking, it was the truth and what she needed to hear.  After all, there are no other options for her to support herself, and the only certainty she has is that her support will end one day.

I suggested she start exploring career paths and begin training in a field that would suit her personality and reinforce some work skills she may be unaware she possesses.    There are many skills developed when raising children, running a household, and volunteering for a school, nonprofit, or community. I encouraged her to keep moving forward.

Her reply was simply “…I didn’t have to work during my marriage and so I don’t plan to work now, I would rather just get remarried.”  With no judgement in my voice, because I really feel one person can’t judge someone else’s choices, I said “Well then, we know what your focus needs to be.”  She decided to let someone else control her financial future.

Financial Challenges of Divorce

When I talk with clients thinking about divorce or clients who are already in the process of going through a divorce, I like to be very straightforward about the financial challenges they may encounter and the ways to manage their situation.

Of course, I am only talking about legal ways to achieve financial security, which typically include the following:

  1. Work to support yourself
  2. Manage your divorce settlement, (spousal and child support) to last your lifetime
  3. Start looking for your next spouse to support your lifestyle
  4. You are assured of an inheritance which will support you throughout your lifetime
  5. My favorite fantasy—you plan on winning the lottery!

Let’s explore the pros and cons of these options:

1. Support Yourself: This is always my go to, # 1 choice for men and women.  It is the most stable choice, offers security, and you will be the one who controls your destiny. If you are a spouse who has not been in the workplace while married, take time to think about career options and start taking one step forward every day towards a career path that will make your feel competent, capable, and secure, in addition to enhancing your self-esteem, which divorce can often shatter.

2. Spousal & Child Support: Even if you have been married for at least ten years or more to someone with enough liquid assets to support two households, if you do not sign a prenuptial agreement, most often you will not end up with enough through alimony and/or child support to last you for the rest of your life.  It may be enough for five, ten, even fifteen years but you want to start thinking of the next step if this is your situation.   It is never fun to know your cash will run out by the time you are seventy.

3. Marry Again:  If this is your plan, I will say it is a risky one, and one that may come with strings and sacrifices.  Putting your financial future 100% in the control of someone else is risky, and may cause a person some insecurity and instability.  Marrying a 2nd, 3rd, or 6th  time is also sometimes easier said than done.  None of us are getting any younger.

4. Inherit Money:  If you come from an affluent family and are the beneficiary of an           irrevocable trust, or if your family is willing to offer support, and the amount will be enough to sustain your financial needs for a lifetime, then you should consider yourself extremely lucky.  You can have the luxury of not worrying about bill paying and you can focus on your own personal development.

5. Win The Lottery: This one is my favorite.   I don’t know anyone who really would put this       at the top of the list for their financial plan but when I was looking at all the “legal” ways to earn money, I simply had to include this last option.

Be Responsible for Your Own Future

The bottom line here is there is never a free ride in life when you are totally depending on someone else to support you.  This requires some level of work dealing with another personality, compromising on things which are important to you, and trading your voice and power for their support.

However, if you face your reality realistically and create your own financial independence, the personal and financial rewards will be not only more beneficial, but you will be setting yourself up to feel empowered for your next phase in life.

Carrie Casden is a business manager and financial coach at Summit Financial Management in Beverly Hills.  She coaches clients across the United States toward financial wellness and to make smart fiscal decisions.  You can reach her at carrie@summitla.com